Oaxie Glee
Aunt Ginny getting Uncle Edward w/ snowball
Uncle Chris and the kiddos
Sweet Oliver
Bin playing in the snowToday we went out to Ta Ta and Mike's house to see all of the Wells Crew. Jon's brother and sisters family all came in town for the weekend. We played hard and did remarkably well without a nap. There was still a little snow left form earlier in the week so everyone had one last snow/ice ball fight before it was all gone. We colored and watched Curious George with our cousins Hank, Joe and Ollie while all the big people had a yummy dinner. I (Bin) ended up cutting the movie short so I could eat with Mommy and Daddy. I love to eat and will not let a home cooked meal made by Ta Ta pass me by!! Ta Ta made some delicious cheese grits and I ate all of Mommy's, Daddy's and then some more. I was sooooo full I thought I was going to explode. Ta Ta sent some home with me so I could have some more tomorrow!
(A Mommy's thoughts)
After we were home and the babies were in bed, Jon and I both had been thinking the same thing all day- for the first time we really noticed what it will be like for Bin when there will be activities he won't be able to participate in due to his physical limitations. As I watched from the side, I saw all the kids and grown ups running around like crazy people hurling snow balls at each other and then sitting off to the side with a little patch of snow all to himself was my little Bin. My heart was so sad, I had to hold back tears. You know I am not sure if he even noticed he was not involved but Jon and I did. However, today he did seem a little insecure with himself. He held on to Daddy most of the time when we were outside and did not want to walk with his walker, he would push it away and say, "hold Daddy". Bin normally does not act like that. At one point Jon was kneeling down with his arm around Bin, he had a big smile on his face and was just watching all the fun so intently. It was like he wanted to play so bad but he knew he couldn't. I almost started to cry but I am very good at hiding how sad I really am at times. Of course, everyone in the family would involve him in the action every once in a while and hand him a snow ball but it was just not the same. Even Oaxie was throwing snow balls, she had a blast!
I rarely discuss this kind of stuff with anyone but there is not a day that goes by that I don't get a bit emotional when I think of all the hardships Bin will have to endure through out his life. It is especially hard to think of these things when he is soooo little. No parent ever wants to sit by and watch as their child is not included or can't participate, even if he/she wants to, because of any type of issue, whether it be lack of friends, being different or having a disability.
Before I got pregnant the thought of having a baby with a disability never crossed my mind. When I finally became pregnant I did not feel like the motherly type at all. But, I do know this much, from the minute we found out that Bin had Spina Bifida at 18 weeks, my motherly instincts kicked in and all I wanted to do from that moment was to protect him. We only told a few family members and close friends before Bin and Oaxie were born. The main reason was because I did not want anyone feeling sorry for Bin. I felt like I needed to be strong and confident not only for me but for Bin too. However today, I am not feeling that strong. I dread the day I have to send him to mothers day out and all of the other children are running circles around him, I dread the day he comes home from preschool saying some kid took his walker away and he had to crawl on the floor until the teacher stepped in to handle the situation, I dread the day he comes home from kindergarten sad because he was the last one picked for a game of kickball, I dread the day I get a call from the school nurse saying that Bin had a bowel/bladder accident and is to embarrassed to come out of the rest room, I dread the day that Bin can't try out for the football team, I dread the day when Bin has a crush on some girl but she won't give him the time of day, but most of all I dread the fact of letting him go where I can't be there to protect him. I know that these are all issues that every parent faces but for some reason these thoughts are really stressing me out today. I know Bin is a strong little guy and he will be able to handle many things life has to throw at him (probably better than me), however right now I just wish he would not have to deal with any of these things. I will be totally fine with my thoughts tomoroow but this is just how I am feeling tonight. Just thoughts from a Mommy who loves her children to pieces!
